I’m gettin’ pretty old. I don’t like to say my age out loud because maybe if I don’t say it, it won’t actually be real, so let’s just say I’m Gen X, I was born the same year as Pong, and my high school had a designated smoking area—for students. That’s pretty darn old.
And as an old guy who just started playing Stardew Valley a couple of weeks ago, I’ve slowly come to the horrifying realization that I’m way too old to be dating pretty much any of the life sim’s romantic partners. There are twelve “singles” in Stardew, and with the exception of maybe two, they’re all so young that I can’t help but feel like an absolute creep for trying to woo one, let alone marry one. I’m honestly left wondering—would have it been that hard to have a couple, y’know, actual adults to romance in Stardew Valley?
Take Abigail, one of the most popular romance options in Stardew. She’s cute, she’s goth, she’s a gamer… what more could you ask for? But the more I talked to her, the more I felt troubled about romancing her. Abigail lives with her parents, she often talks about stuff her dad won’t let her do, like subscribe to magazines… it pretty quickly began to feel pretty icky because Abby doesn’t strike me as an adult. She seems like a teenager.
Old Me wooing a teenager is gross. We can all agree on that, right? At one point during my gift-giving, Abby sent me a letter telling me to come to her room after 8:00 pm because she wanted to “show me something.” Is she gonna show me an arrest warrant, because that’s about the only thing that would feel appropriate in this situation. Just the fact that she said to meet her at 8 pm like it’s some kinda forbidden hour tells me that she’s even younger than I thought. Gonna pass on that, Abs! Hit me up if you’d like me to explain escrow or recommend a good ophthalmologist.
Abby isn’t the only marriage candidate that feels shockingly young. Almost all of the romantic options in Stardew come across as teenagers to me: Alex, Sebastian, Shane, Penny, Emily, and Sam all strike me as high school kids rather than young adults. Maru, like Abby, still lives with her parents, and even characters like Leah who live on their own still feel way too young for a withering Gen X’er like me to be hitting on. The only two romance options who seem vaguely like proper adults are Elliot and Harvey, and I’m afraid I’m not interested in either of them. One is a Fabio-lookin’ writer who lives in a shack on the beach—hard pass—and the bachelor doctor is too much like a walking thirst trap to take seriously.
Part of the problem here is that I’m roleplaying as myself. I named my character Chris, I made him bald with a beard just like I am and have in real life, and I’m dressed the way I would like to be dressed at all times: top hat, bomber jacket I crafted from an actual bomb, and the lower half of a dinosaur costume. So when I talk to the characters in Stardew Valley, it’s like they’re talking to me instead of a character I invented, because I’m just playing as literally me.
Is there a mod that lets me give these kids advice instead of gifts?
But even if I was playing as a younger version of myself, the love interests in Stardew Valley still feel incredibly young. I don’t want to date any of them, I just want to give them advice, like that they should start contributing to a 401K as soon as possible and that they should always wear sunscreen and take care of their teeth at all costs and while it may be cool to blast music at full volume into their earphones it could result in permanent hearing loss and it just isn’t worth it. Is there a mod that lets me give these kids advice instead of gifts? I’d be heavily into that.
And frankly, none of them should be marrying a farmer just because he walks up twice a week and wordlessly shoves a diamond or a chocolate cake into their hands. They’re all so young! They have their entire lives ahead of them! Don’t tie yourself down because someone gives you some crab cakes and duck feathers he just happens to be carrying around. Flee this valley, don’t chain yourself to it. There are cities out there somewhere. Cities are so much better than valleys!
And seriously, start contributing to a 401K immediately.
The real tragedy for lonely Old Man Chris is that there are plenty of age-appropriate characters in Stardew Valley, they’re just not romanceable. Like, why can’t I date Marnie? She’s a cool independent lady with her own business, she likes animals, she lives close by, and as we all know via a little detective work, she’s knocking boots with the mayor. That’s an instant swoon for me. Hell, I’d be okay with her continuing to bang the mayor even after we were married: the last thing I want to do is meddle with the political landscape of Stardew Valley. Alas, the game won’t let me romance Marnie.
There are more contenders for my affections, though none of them are romanceable, either. The wizard is kinda hot, has a dope tower, and he’s clearly damaged after being divorced from a witch (I can fix him). He’s not old, but he feels like an adult to me. There’s also the crusty rogue Marlon of the Adventurer’s Guild. We have a lot in common: we fight monsters, we buy and sell weapons, and he also wants to get with Marnie. And, again, he’s an adult, not a teenager, but I’m not allowed to bang him. Bummer. There’s also Sandy, who runs the Oasis shop in the desert. She’s not just fine, she’s also fine—with the casino being run in the back of her shop as long as she gets her cut, which suggests to me pragmatic instincts and a non-judgmental nature. (The top hat I’m wearing was bought after quite a good run at the blackjack table.) I can’t date her, either, and I don’t really understand why.
The rest of the older crowd in the valley, I’m not that keen on. Willy the fisherman is kinda grubby and undoubtedly smells like fish, bartender Gus is a bit cuddly but I don’t find him sexy, and I get a creepy vibe from Clint, probably because he’s got a huge crush on Emily, who to me feels the most teen-agey of all the teenagers in the game. Also, I’ve been bringing Clint geodes in bulk for like 4 years, and he’s never once offered me a discount for his rock-smashing services. Jerk.
[Pam’s] sexiest feature is her utterly predictable schedule.
But the most crushing blow to my romantic life is that I can’t date and marry my ideal woman: Pam. Straight up, Pam, the bus driver, is the one for me. Sure, she’s not the best mom in the world (she makes her daughter Penny perpetually clean their trailer) and has a bit of a drinking problem (shortly after I moved to the valley she sent me a letter asking me to bring her a beer) and she’s not exactly sexy. She’s not even vaguely sexy.
But Pam is easy to please, happy with literally any food or drink I give her (in real life I am also always happy when someone brings me food and drinks). So, she spends all her free time in a bar—guess who has a massive blueberry wine operation running on his farm? We’re a match made in heaven.
And her sexiest feature is her utterly predictable schedule. I know where she will be every single day: standing at the bus stop on the off chance someone (me) needs a ride to the desert. I find it irritating having to chase down other characters wherever they might be when I want to give them gifts, and in my old age my memory for all but the simplest of schedules is pretty shoddy. But at 10 am every day Pam is always in the same place, close to my house, and will stand there motionless until nightfall, meaning I never have to chase her around the beach or mountains or graveyard to give her a jar of dehydrated mushrooms or a bowl of parsnip soup. To someone without a lot of time left on this earth, that’s a real timesaver, and that’s sexy as hell.
